Why Santa needs to break up with Mrs. Claus
Hey hey hey hoe hoe hoe…
So in my family, the *big* Asian Christmas celebration is on Christmas Eve.
And this year, it was at my parent’s house for the first time in twenty years. And, we actually saw Santa Claus come sliding down our chimney in the middle of the night.
He joined in on the conversation – the big joke of the night was how old I’m getting now that I’m 26; closer to 30 than 20. Santa mentioned that he’s just getting older and older, and asked if I had any recommendations for being more “youthful” in his older age.
My advice to him?
Date younger women.
Yup, that’s right.
I told him to dump that cookie-munching, wraggly skinned grandma Mrs. Claus and upgrade to a newer model.
All that incessant nagging is not good for his soul.
Needless to say, my family was shocked and so was Santa himself.
Will he heed my advice? I’ll find out when he slides down that chimney in 2018.
Do you want to know what I told him?
Here are the 5 pieces of advice I gave to Mr. Claus so he could be younger and more full of life for years to come:
#1: Work on his style
The old red suit is tried and played out.
Sure, custom suits are great and all, but sometimes you got to vary it up.
Plus, while girls don’t mind sharing a high-value man, they don’t want everyone to know they’re sharing. Santa can’t be seen out and about in the North Pole with multiple young hotties. Changing his styles will make this a bit more plausible.
#2: Leave America
For example, Christmas in Ukraine is on January 7th. Apparently there is a whole different Santa who manages Eastern Europe!
I told him to try to “switch shifts” next year, and leave behind the life of consume consume, consume in America.
Not having to make payments on his igloo, sled, and reindeers will surely relief some stress and make him more youthful.
(I am slightly worried he’ll have a heart attack when he sees how much slimmer and hotter foreign girls are, but it’s worth the risk).
#3: Dump that bee-yatch Mrs. Claus
I even told him he could do it over text message, or relay it via a reindeer.
Who knows, maybe he can find some new girl tonight and slide into her chimney.
Santa has been a one-woman-man his whole life, and surely dating a few new ones will re-invigorate his libido like never before. It’s like a Viagra commercial. Do you EVER see that commercial with an old dude and a hot young thing? It’s usually an old grannie well past her expiration date.
I told Santa that young girls (preferrably many) are the elixir of life.
He (and you) can learn the full ins and outs of how to date multiple young thangs. Check it out:
Anyways, that was my advice to good ‘ol Santa for 2018.
We’ll see if the divorce is finalized by the next time he visits.
Have a Merry Christmas (screw the politically-correct-police), and…
Keep causing Trouble,