A reader named Jim left a spectacular comment on an old post from 2016. That post was probably one of my better pieces, because it made me realize that changing for a girl was the absolute death spell for any relationship.
Women will try to change their man. But it’s just one massive test.
If you fail it, she’ll hate your guts.
As soon as the women tames the bad boy into a good little schlub, what happens?
She usually leaves him.
I’ll let Jim take it from here with his bang-on comment:
* Women are relational, social beings first and foremost. That is the lens through which they see everything, including you. This is a fundamental difference between men and women.
* Men have a functional utility to women that goes far beyond any functional utility women have to men….safety/security/provisioning. This is part of the performance burden. For them this is very emotional and instinctual and unconscious.
* Women’s utility to men, the one that really matters, is purely emotional. If she makes you feel good, life is good. Sex is a huge part of this, not all of it, but a way bigger piece than it is for women.
* Hence the truth in: “Women are the pragmatists pretending to be the romantics and men are the true romantics pretending to be pragmatists.”
* She wont tell you how to be a man and she will focus on additional security and status once she feels comfortable she has you. You have two options, other than hell:
* 1. be someone who is a natural and organically ignores what their woman says for the most part, and does what they believe is right, consequences be dammed.
* 2. or know enough and gain enough genuine self-confidence to say no to what she asks for and demand of you, and instead give her what she actually needs. Which will, paradoxical as it may seem and in spite of her loud emotional fits, produce what is actually best for both of you. As a man that choice ours. She will not be a collaborative partner in this.
* If this sounds a lot like “how to be a good parent”, that’s because it actually is very similar in this regard. You may be reluctant to think of her as childish and long for an equal and always collaborative partner, but choose wisely. What it really means is that you must be the leader.
* The right woman and the right man together BOTH become capable of much more than they are individually. Women have a lot of wisdom and a ton to offer a man, and vise versa, through complimenting each other vs. competing with each other, but it is you the man who must own the frame and dictate how things will be, or they will be bad, very bad. One of the 16 Laws of Poon comes to mind here: “Don’t play by her rules. If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire.” It’s a harsh and illogical and confounding truth, but the truth it is. Step up.
* Yes, women drag you toward mediocrity, but you get to choose your path. Only if you allow them to be the leader does it come into play, and if you do that, see the law above.
* I learned this the hard way… Like most men these days who swallowed the blue bill that was shoved down our throat by our mothers and our weak fathers.
This is getting long, but let’s flash back to 2016 real quick.
That post was inspired after laying in bed all morning with a relatively new girl, and then eating pancakes and having the rest of my Saturday shot by a pancake coma.
Just one month before I was supposed to move abroad, so I had no time to waste.
I felt absolute venom and contempt for that girl in that moment because I knew I’d allowed her to change my plans.
Lazy Saturdays are not a common thing around my world these days, and while my girl would love if I laid in bed with her all day, she knows that’s not happening, and she also knows it won’t fly if she does it.
Some might say I rule like an iron dictator, and to them I’d say:
If you want to learn my best relationship managing strategies and much more, including:
- What to do the first time you end up bed with a girl to make sure she comes back
- How to get girls to come straight to your apartment, bring you food, and how this makes them fall for you
- The best way to have the “Define the Relationship” talk
Then you’ll want to get King’s Code (included as a bonus with Actually Abroad).